Spill and Spell

My last name is difficult for people. Asked to give my last name, I will sometimes just spell it: K N E Z. And the person asking will sit, waiting, pen poised, and when they finally look up, I have to add, "That's all."

I do that to avoid the spelling problem that occurs after they've heard it. Once they hear "Kuh-NEZ," they are apt to write down Kanez or Kenez or Kenz no matter how slowly and distinctly I spell it for them.

Pronunciation is another matter. Sometimes people make the K silent and the E long, as a number of teachers did when we were in school which is why my brother was called Knees and I was called Little Knees. The pronunciation we normally get, of course, is Nez.  Second most popular is Kenz.

There was one guy who outdid himself, though. I was being inducted into some honorary thing and had to parade across a stage with a dozen or more other inductees. Beforehand, we were all herded into a room off stage where the man calling our names went over the list so as not to mispronounce anybody's name, which I thought was a very nice thing to do. He was going through the list alphabetically, so when he said, "Jan Krenz," I assumed that was me.

"Kuh-NEZ," I said politely. He looked at me and then back at his list, and said, "What was that again?" I said it again. "Kuh-NEZ." He studied the sheet, then asked for a pencil. He wrote something, then said, "Kruu-nez?" I said it correctly again. He shook his head in confusion.

Is this guy retarded? "Kuh-NEZ!" I said again, and he made another note on the paper and said it right. All right, fella. Now you got it.

As the event unfolded, we all walked across the stage to accept our certificates and pins, and when it was my turn, the dude said, "Jan --" then shut his eyes and, from memory, I guess, repeated, "Kuh-NEZ."

Whew. You got it! Good work!

I return to my seat and looked down at my certificate on which my name was very clearly printed in a fancy font: JAN KRENZ.

Sorry, buddy. I didn't know.