And the very same to you

I have decided that it is time for me to put away my scoffing at those who take all the fun out of life by insisting on Political Correctness, even if they attempt to force us into it by emotional blackmail.

In fact, I plan to be so ridiculously correct, politically, in all things this holiday season -- I mean, this season in which there are, um … well, holidays -- but in order to be safe I guess I should just say, in December, but in some cases, up to and including January – 

Well, I guess my best bet is to say, “at this time of year.”  That seems acceptably PC to me.

So here is my plan:  If anyone wishes me a Merry Christmas or Happy Hanukkah or Joyous Kwanzaa, or anything to do with Ramadan or St. Lucia Day or Tet Nguyen Dan or the Twelve Days of Anything -- or for that matter, if they wish me a Happy New Year – and I guess that would have to include anybody’s new year, you know -- Chinese, Jewish or Ethiopian – as well as the Occidental …

Anyway, if anybody does reveal their own proselytizable prejudices by saying something like that to me, I am simply going to flash them a big toothy grin and in all Political Correctness carefully designed so as not to offend ANYBODY, I am going to reply very sincerely, “Open Moon Pudding!”

If that ain't innocuous, I don't know what is.

I'm still trying to decide

I don't know why I fall for these things.

I just tried to log on to Ancestry.com to do a little work on my wife's family tree, and before I got there a screen came up announcing I had been chosen to participate in an eight-question survey, my reward for which would be a free gift worth up to $112. (Yes, not $100 or $125, but $112.)

I clicked the button out of curiosity, and it turns out that seven of the eight questions were about Ancestry, so I figured this one might actually be on the up and up. The eighth question asked my gender, so I dutifully checked "Female."

The screen immediately moved to the rewards page, and I was asked to choose my prize. (But don't wait! You only have ten minutes! These things are going fast!) Here are my choices:

1. A product to smear on my face for 30 days after which I will look 10 years younger
2. Something to make my hair grow thicker and fuller (risk free)
3. A device that vaporizes smoke so I can smoke a cigarette anywhere
4. A weight-loss kit especially designed to fight Holiday Fat Buildup
5. A male testosterone booster to make me more muscular, lean and mean

I don't know why I fall for these things.